I had read quite a bit on the topic by the time I trotted out of the Agway with my sandwich sized paper bag full of small stick-like horseradish roots. The main information I had taken away after skimming through a variety of sources was this: horseradish runs. Put it in the vegetable garden and those delicious underground roots will spread everywhere without concern for the rest of your plants. Some articles suggested growing them in large whiskey barrel buckets, and others suggested pots sunk into the ground. I had both my thinking cap and my smarty pants on (as they say in Sophia's preschool class) when I took three of my sticks and buried one each in various plastic pots and in turn buried the pots in different part of my garden. Therefore, let me share my tried and true knowledge about how (not) to plant horseradish.
1.) Buy horseradish roots for planting in early spring, at the same time that stores are selling seed potatoes and asparagus roots.
2.) Plant horseradish at a 45 degree angle with the growing tip pointing up. The growing tip should be only a few inches below the ground. Plant in a pot with rich garden soil, and then bury the pot in the garden up to the lip.
3.) Ignore it.
4.) The following year, notice that the topgrowth is not very significant and blame the store where you purchased them. Repeat step three.
5.) The year after that, notice that the topgrowth is better and think you ought to re-read about what you're supposed to do about it. Get distracted by brightly colored bug, or diseased crop, or wayward rodent. Remember horseradish, but join Facebook while surfing web for harvest instruction. Stop doing anything useful in life. Repeat step three.
6.) The year after that, notice topgrowth is huge! Dig up pots in late fall after first frost, only to find that horseradish was given ample time for the roots to find their way out of the (probably not deep enough) pot through the drainage holes, and is now either headed for the asparagus bed or to the Earth's core.
7.) Curse. Dig up as much of escaped root as possible, and wonder what spicy hot asparagus will taste like. Cut side shoots for processing, and replant main root in the same pathetic pot, vowing to deal with it in spring. Wonder how difficult horseradish will be to mow. Go back in the house and play Mafia Wars, or Word Twist, or Farmville, or any other stupid thing people are doing on Facebook. Tell husband you are an idiot.
OR, alternatively, you can follow the above instructions except for step 3, and harvest the roots yearly, replanting some of them for next year's crop. You probably should also not join Facebook, or start playing Mafia Wars, but that's more of a marriage counseling tip than a gardening suggestion. Just sayin'.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
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The Big Bad Blog Beginning: Marketing Gone Awry
So awhile back, I was talking to my home business and web marketing diva. I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, "Big deal! Everybody has a home business and web marketing diva." Maybe so, but if you're not talking to Dina at http://www.wordfeeder.com/, then you've got the wrong gal.
Since I have the right gal, Dina said, "You should start a blog to help promote your website."
"Really? How come?"
She then said something along the lines of "Hoogety boogety search engine optimization foogety moogety page hierarchy loogety toot toot meta-tags and strategic links...." and many other extremely smart things. Please keep in mind Dina has never actually said "hoogety boogety" to me in any context. What she did do was give me a brief explanation of web marketing that made complete sense, but the wisdom of which I would completely mangle upon retelling. The relevant gist was as follows - a blog, when properly done, can be a great tool to drive traffic to my website.
I mulled this over for quite some time. Could I write clear and informative articles about the decorative painting business? Er, sure, I think. New techniques, preferred paint and brush brands, offers of free templates.....Ooh, but how bout the funny fellow painter ladies I see at my teacher's studio? Or the nutjobs who I meet at craft shows?
And then I started thinking about other humorous stuff, like the time my mother swiped HER mother's mother's day gift from me and refused to give it back. And the stories from my grandfather about the 8-10 different ways he's accidentally electrocuted himself throughout the years, and yet still stands. Or about the time I spent half a day convinced that drunk people snuck into my yard during the night and dug up 48 newly planted impatiens (until I realized a deer ate them).
That's about the point that I realized that I actually want a blog to show the world how hilarious I am, and if I can throw some web marketing in there, so be it. I can make it work. For example, the two funniest things I do are 1.) garden organically 2.) allow people to speak to me. Since I paint flowers and creatures and landscapes, does it count as web marketing if I blog about growing flowers in a landscape while shouting obscenities at creatures? You betcha! And when my mother does something bizarre, should that go in there too? Absolutely. Ah, yes. Yet another blog is born.
So in the end, I will market my website the way I organic garden - seek out the advice of experts, change it all around, and find myself continually shocked when my system doesn't work. Effective? No. Funny? Oh yes indeed! Keep reading.....
Since I have the right gal, Dina said, "You should start a blog to help promote your website."
"Really? How come?"
She then said something along the lines of "Hoogety boogety search engine optimization foogety moogety page hierarchy loogety toot toot meta-tags and strategic links...." and many other extremely smart things. Please keep in mind Dina has never actually said "hoogety boogety" to me in any context. What she did do was give me a brief explanation of web marketing that made complete sense, but the wisdom of which I would completely mangle upon retelling. The relevant gist was as follows - a blog, when properly done, can be a great tool to drive traffic to my website.
I mulled this over for quite some time. Could I write clear and informative articles about the decorative painting business? Er, sure, I think. New techniques, preferred paint and brush brands, offers of free templates.....Ooh, but how bout the funny fellow painter ladies I see at my teacher's studio? Or the nutjobs who I meet at craft shows?
And then I started thinking about other humorous stuff, like the time my mother swiped HER mother's mother's day gift from me and refused to give it back. And the stories from my grandfather about the 8-10 different ways he's accidentally electrocuted himself throughout the years, and yet still stands. Or about the time I spent half a day convinced that drunk people snuck into my yard during the night and dug up 48 newly planted impatiens (until I realized a deer ate them).
That's about the point that I realized that I actually want a blog to show the world how hilarious I am, and if I can throw some web marketing in there, so be it. I can make it work. For example, the two funniest things I do are 1.) garden organically 2.) allow people to speak to me. Since I paint flowers and creatures and landscapes, does it count as web marketing if I blog about growing flowers in a landscape while shouting obscenities at creatures? You betcha! And when my mother does something bizarre, should that go in there too? Absolutely. Ah, yes. Yet another blog is born.
So in the end, I will market my website the way I organic garden - seek out the advice of experts, change it all around, and find myself continually shocked when my system doesn't work. Effective? No. Funny? Oh yes indeed! Keep reading.....
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1 comment:
Well thanks for the receipes and now I know what not to do if I was going to do it. I certainly enjoyed and was humorously entertained reading the articles. You have a gift and talent. It takes me forever to think about writing something clever. I guess you're preparing for next year's crops.
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