Sunday, September 7, 2008

Cast of Characters: Ma'am, Sir & Family

Last week I trudged out into the garden after a week's vacation at the shore, and grimly surveyed the damaged. The trifecta of disease, poor gardening skills, and a rock-star style drunken orgy thrown by our resident groundhog had combined in a perfect storm of disaster. My trellises were groaning under the weight of enormous San Marzano sauce tomatoes which were still producing, even though a wilt was yellowing and killing the leaves. My adorable stand of corn was overtaken by some sort of bizarre Chinese long bean that I had planted, and in a display reminiscent of the recent Olympics, the beans proceeded to climb the corn, knock it over, and then march relentlessly and perfectly in-sync towards the sunflowers. But the worst was easily the result of Frank the groundhog and his buddies. Taking advantage of vacationing humans, the zucchini and cucumber plants were feasted on down to the stem by the raucous bunch, leaving only miniature smashed guitars and tour bus skid marks in their wake. As I approached, the last of the slightly drunk and partially clothed groundhogettes started home on the long waddle of shame.

As I added up the amount of hours and physical strength that would be needed to bust the place back into shape, my spirits sank. Where to begin? The overgrown dying tomatoes? The (clearlyy underage yet creepily strong) Chinese bean vines? In my depression I decided to take the path of least resistance and weed the flower bed that didn't really need much weeding, just to feel like I accomplished something. I stuck my hand into the tangle of nasturtiums, nearly crapped myself in shock & fear, and then gave a whoop of joy. Ma'am was back!Are you scared yet? Don't be. Ma'am is a garden orb spider, not dangerous to humans but a real super ass-kicker when it comes to annoying bugs that cause trouble in the garden. Ma'am is appropriately named, because I feel that if she was ever given the power of speech, I would probably actually crap my pants, and then say "Yes ma'am!!!" to whatever directive I was given. I mean, I know she's not dangerous, but still. YIKES! Not appearing in this picture is her husband/boyfriend/partner, the aptly named Sir. He is about a third her size, takes up residence in his own mini web somewhere on the outskirts of hers and is generally good for only one thing. Clearly, I need to finish this paragraph with a zingy one liner about married life, but, as is often the case with other marital activities, I'm simply too tired to bother. You finish it. And happy fall gardening to you!
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The Big Bad Blog Beginning: Marketing Gone Awry

So awhile back, I was talking to my home business and web marketing diva. I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, "Big deal! Everybody has a home business and web marketing diva." Maybe so, but if you're not talking to Dina at http://www.wordfeeder.com/, then you've got the wrong gal.

Since I have the right gal, Dina said, "You should start a blog to help promote your website."

"Really? How come?"

She then said something along the lines of "Hoogety boogety search engine optimization foogety moogety page hierarchy loogety toot toot meta-tags and strategic links...." and many other extremely smart things. Please keep in mind Dina has never actually said "hoogety boogety" to me in any context. What she did do was give me a brief explanation of web marketing that made complete sense, but the wisdom of which I would completely mangle upon retelling. The relevant gist was as follows - a blog, when properly done, can be a great tool to drive traffic to my website.

I mulled this over for quite some time. Could I write clear and informative articles about the decorative painting business? Er, sure, I think. New techniques, preferred paint and brush brands, offers of free templates.....Ooh, but how bout the funny fellow painter ladies I see at my teacher's studio? Or the nutjobs who I meet at craft shows?

And then I started thinking about other humorous stuff, like the time my mother swiped HER mother's mother's day gift from me and refused to give it back. And the stories from my grandfather about the 8-10 different ways he's accidentally electrocuted himself throughout the years, and yet still stands. Or about the time I spent half a day convinced that drunk people snuck into my yard during the night and dug up 48 newly planted impatiens (until I realized a deer ate them).

That's about the point that I realized that I actually want a blog to show the world how hilarious I am, and if I can throw some web marketing in there, so be it. I can make it work. For example, the two funniest things I do are 1.) garden organically 2.) allow people to speak to me. Since I paint flowers and creatures and landscapes, does it count as web marketing if I blog about growing flowers in a landscape while shouting obscenities at creatures? You betcha! And when my mother does something bizarre, should that go in there too? Absolutely. Ah, yes. Yet another blog is born.

So in the end, I will market my website the way I organic garden - seek out the advice of experts, change it all around, and find myself continually shocked when my system doesn't work. Effective? No. Funny? Oh yes indeed! Keep reading.....