"If you've been following my illustrious career as a blogger/artist/gardener/funnywoman, then you've likely noticed some recurring themes. 1.) I'm lazy. 2.) I'm cheap. 3.) I have a lot of hobbies, all of which I aim to do with as little effort or expense as possible. "
That's the intro to a never written story about how to shop for and plant deep discount end-of-season perennials. It was never finished because, having purchased about 60 plants for maybe $100 bucks, I spent two weeks maniacally digging holes and throwing plants into the ground as if being chased by a pack of wild dogs. By the time I was done, it was too cold to plant anything else, and I bought all the remaining inventory, so my advice to you would have been useless.
Here's another good one that never got finished entitled "Cast of Characters: Sisyphus"
"Tom and I are busy people - your standard busy married couple that can go for long periods of time, caught up in the "to-do" list of daily life, without having any sort of constructive conversation. What follows is the story of one couple's communication issues, and one cosmically challenged little red squirrel."
What's the point of sharing what I've started but not finished? First, to prove that I'm always Thinking about writing, I'm just not necessarily doing it. And second, whether I am writing or thinking, I am always terribly funny - at least to me.
So to conclude 2008, my first year of garden blogging, I'll leave you with a list of other articles not likely to get written in the next two weeks:
Why Throwing a Rotting Pumpkin in the Woods is the Same as Gardening
Frank vs. Laura: The Final Score
If You're Eating at My House, Don't Ask "What's in the Salad?": An Edible Weed Primer
The Tale of the Tufted Titmouse, and His Dirty Bird Friends
And so goes 2008. But make sure you return in 2009 because man, do I have some stunning realizations for you ... starting right in January with seed catalog shopping time!
Happy Holidays!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Difficult Conversations
I can't conclude 2008 without poking a tiny bit more fun of Joyce. Out of fairness though, I have to admit that we're quite a bit alike. So here you go - a little bit of even steven if you will....
Joyce's Tale... Why Mothers and Urban Vernacular Don't Mix: An Email Exchange
The story begins after a painful email discussion regarding which, if any, bread products should accompany Thanksgiving dinner. For the sake of every one's sanity, those particular emails are not included.
Joyce: "I could tell yesterday that you were getting annoyed with me over the bread/rolls thing but I kept it up just to tease you!"
Me: "see? you're just as annoying as dad. but at least you know you're being annoying. as a status on my facebook page, i wrote "laura is going to kill her mother", but too many people commented in your defense. well, really it was 50/50. then i later wrote that i changed my mind due to the pro-joyce comments, and my friend jim from college wrote "she rocked in our creative writing course. totally rocked. mad props." you have a lot of fans."
Joyce: "Wow!!! I'm impressed that one of your friends would remember me from a class in the first place let alone even remember the props I used. Apparently, they impressed him more than me."
Me: "'mad props' means something like 'kudos'. i doubt you showed up to that class in your mink coat and groucho marx glasses, or juggling pins, or anything like that. pretty funny though. i laughed for about five minutes after your email."
Joyce: "No--really I did use props. I think he might be referring to my speech about twins bec. I brought your sisters to class with me."
Laura's Tale ... Married People Talking
I am a multi-tasker from hell, and I tend to believe that I am rather good at it. Yesterday I put Sophia to bed, realized I hadn't eaten in 9 hours, and set about making myself a plate of some lovely stew that my wonderful husband made. But it was going on 9, and my mind started rattling on to everything I had to do before bed ... finish cleaning the kitchen ... start that new glass order ... call jen ... isn't pick-up artist 2 on tonight? gotta watch then call jen after .... what's in this stuff i'm eating anyway?
Me, to Tom, while slamming stuff in and out of the microwave: "Is there meat in this pork?"
Tom, confused: "Wha-?"
Me, using my annoyed outside voice: "Is there MEAT in this PORK??"
Tom, hesitantly sarcastic: "Uh .... yes ... there's meat in the pork."
Me, extremely offended: "Well you don't have to say it all snotty like that, it's a legitimate question!"
Tom, exasperated and close to giving it all up for good: "I don't know what you MEAN."
Me, making it known I am speaking to someone of inferior intellect: "What I MEAN, is that when you cooked the MEAT, did you leave the .... uh .... are there bones in this pork?"
Perhaps I am not the multi-tasker I claim to be, and should attempt to concentrate on one thing at a time. Or I can just become a vegetarian so I no longer have to be concerned about what's in the pork.
Joyce's Tale... Why Mothers and Urban Vernacular Don't Mix: An Email Exchange
The story begins after a painful email discussion regarding which, if any, bread products should accompany Thanksgiving dinner. For the sake of every one's sanity, those particular emails are not included.
Joyce: "I could tell yesterday that you were getting annoyed with me over the bread/rolls thing but I kept it up just to tease you!"
Me: "see? you're just as annoying as dad. but at least you know you're being annoying. as a status on my facebook page, i wrote "laura is going to kill her mother", but too many people commented in your defense. well, really it was 50/50. then i later wrote that i changed my mind due to the pro-joyce comments, and my friend jim from college wrote "she rocked in our creative writing course. totally rocked. mad props." you have a lot of fans."
Joyce: "Wow!!! I'm impressed that one of your friends would remember me from a class in the first place let alone even remember the props I used. Apparently, they impressed him more than me."
Me: "'mad props' means something like 'kudos'. i doubt you showed up to that class in your mink coat and groucho marx glasses, or juggling pins, or anything like that. pretty funny though. i laughed for about five minutes after your email."
Joyce: "No--really I did use props. I think he might be referring to my speech about twins bec. I brought your sisters to class with me."
Laura's Tale ... Married People Talking
I am a multi-tasker from hell, and I tend to believe that I am rather good at it. Yesterday I put Sophia to bed, realized I hadn't eaten in 9 hours, and set about making myself a plate of some lovely stew that my wonderful husband made. But it was going on 9, and my mind started rattling on to everything I had to do before bed ... finish cleaning the kitchen ... start that new glass order ... call jen ... isn't pick-up artist 2 on tonight? gotta watch then call jen after .... what's in this stuff i'm eating anyway?
Me, to Tom, while slamming stuff in and out of the microwave: "Is there meat in this pork?"
Tom, confused: "Wha-?"
Me, using my annoyed outside voice: "Is there MEAT in this PORK??"
Tom, hesitantly sarcastic: "Uh .... yes ... there's meat in the pork."
Me, extremely offended: "Well you don't have to say it all snotty like that, it's a legitimate question!"
Tom, exasperated and close to giving it all up for good: "I don't know what you MEAN."
Me, making it known I am speaking to someone of inferior intellect: "What I MEAN, is that when you cooked the MEAT, did you leave the .... uh .... are there bones in this pork?"
Perhaps I am not the multi-tasker I claim to be, and should attempt to concentrate on one thing at a time. Or I can just become a vegetarian so I no longer have to be concerned about what's in the pork.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Cast of Characters: Ma'am, Sir & Family
Last week I trudged out into the garden after a week's vacation at the shore, and grimly surveyed the damaged. The trifecta of disease, poor gardening skills, and a rock-star style drunken orgy thrown by our resident groundhog had combined in a perfect storm of disaster. My trellises were groaning under the weight of enormous San Marzano sauce tomatoes which were still producing, even though a wilt was yellowing and killing the leaves. My adorable stand of corn was overtaken by some sort of bizarre Chinese long bean that I had planted, and in a display reminiscent of the recent Olympics, the beans proceeded to climb the corn, knock it over, and then march relentlessly and perfectly in-sync towards the sunflowers. But the worst was easily the result of Frank the groundhog and his buddies. Taking advantage of vacationing humans, the zucchini and cucumber plants were feasted on down to the stem by the raucous bunch, leaving only miniature smashed guitars and tour bus skid marks in their wake. As I approached, the last of the slightly drunk and partially clothed groundhogettes started home on the long waddle of shame.
As I added up the amount of hours and physical strength that would be needed to bust the place back into shape, my spirits sank. Where to begin? The overgrown dying tomatoes? The (clearlyy underage yet creepily strong) Chinese bean vines? In my depression I decided to take the path of least resistance and weed the flower bed that didn't really need much weeding, just to feel like I accomplished something. I stuck my hand into the tangle of nasturtiums, nearly crapped myself in shock & fear, and then gave a whoop of joy. Ma'am was back!
Are you scared yet? Don't be. Ma'am is a garden orb spider, not dangerous to humans but a real super ass-kicker when it comes to annoying bugs that cause trouble in the garden. Ma'am is appropriately named, because I feel that if she was ever given the power of speech, I would probably actually crap my pants, and then say "Yes ma'am!!!" to whatever directive I was given. I mean, I know she's not dangerous, but still. YIKES! Not appearing in this picture is her husband/boyfriend/partner, the aptly named Sir. He is about a third her size, takes up residence in his own mini web somewhere on the outskirts of hers and is generally good for only one thing. Clearly, I need to finish this paragraph with a zingy one liner about married life, but, as is often the case with other marital activities, I'm simply too tired to bother. You finish it. And happy fall gardening to you!
As I added up the amount of hours and physical strength that would be needed to bust the place back into shape, my spirits sank. Where to begin? The overgrown dying tomatoes? The (clearlyy underage yet creepily strong) Chinese bean vines? In my depression I decided to take the path of least resistance and weed the flower bed that didn't really need much weeding, just to feel like I accomplished something. I stuck my hand into the tangle of nasturtiums, nearly crapped myself in shock & fear, and then gave a whoop of joy. Ma'am was back!
Are you scared yet? Don't be. Ma'am is a garden orb spider, not dangerous to humans but a real super ass-kicker when it comes to annoying bugs that cause trouble in the garden. Ma'am is appropriately named, because I feel that if she was ever given the power of speech, I would probably actually crap my pants, and then say "Yes ma'am!!!" to whatever directive I was given. I mean, I know she's not dangerous, but still. YIKES! Not appearing in this picture is her husband/boyfriend/partner, the aptly named Sir. He is about a third her size, takes up residence in his own mini web somewhere on the outskirts of hers and is generally good for only one thing. Clearly, I need to finish this paragraph with a zingy one liner about married life, but, as is often the case with other marital activities, I'm simply too tired to bother. You finish it. And happy fall gardening to you!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Question of the Week/Month/Quarter: Starting a New Garden
So in a separate personal email, infamous commenter of recent past "szg" asked for some input on starting an organic garden from scratch. I wrote back and told him I would answer him as my question of the week/month/quarter, and he advised that I needed to slap it on the table and go large with this blog thing. He also said I should call out Mike McGrath, and then claim ownership of various professional degrees which I do not actually have. So out of deference to szg's marketing techniques, here is the (revised) question of the week/month/quarter that I will be answering.
Since I started my blog, I have gotten thousands of emails (one) from all over the country (Trenton) from first-time or wannabe gardeners. They all (same one) ask a question similar to the one I got from szg in Central New Jersey that asked "Laura, why are you like the smartest person ever? And how come that punk Mike McGrath has a radio show and you don't? And what advice would you give someone starting an organic garden from scratch?"
Well, szg, as ever, I am humbled by the overwhelming response to my blog, and would be nowhere without my adoring fans. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your insightful and completely accurate commentary. But now, on with the show, if you will.
1.) Build a raised bed
The basic tenant of organic gardening is that you garden from the soil up, not from the plant down. So if you start with loose, well-drained soil soil rich in organic matter and nutrients, your plants will be less prone to disease and pests. Now, maybe you can walk outside, stick a shovel in the ground, and conveniently have this perfect ideal soil. That could happen, and if it did, well, you suck. And congratulations. But if it doesn't (or even if it does), consider the merits of the raised bed.
Raised beds warm up faster in spring (allowing for earlier planting), are easier to plant in and weed, and allow proper drainage. If you're building the bed and adding fresh soil instead of tilling the soil you have, you will be avoiding much of the pre-existing perennial weeds, not to mention sticks, rocks, hunks of clay, broken bottles, unidentifiable plastic things and other disturbing items you find when digging too deep in New Jersey. My neighbor found an entire car buried in his yard. Seriously.
So now I told you why to build a raised bed, but I failed to mention what it is. A raised bed is simply an extra 12 to 24 inches of dirt raised above the regular soil line in your yard. Ideally it is 4 feet wide and reachable from all sides so that you never have to step in your wonderful loose soil in order to plant or harvest. It can be as long as you have room for, or have the energy to build. It can have sides, or just be a raised berm. The sides should be some rot-resistant non-chemical-laden material, like bricks, rocks, cinder blocks, cedar, redwood, composite wood-like stuff, etc. No railroad ties allowed, and organic types are still hesitant about treated wood, even though the new treatment method doesn't use arsenic. You can even google "buy raised beds" and find kits that include the corner brackets and the material. For example...
2 tier plastic raised bed from gardener's supply catalog
raised bed with cedar from eartheasy shop
composite raised bed from eartheasy shop
raised bed corner brackets - you supply the wood
I realize none of this material is cheap, and all of the fancy products in the world aren't going to save you from the fact that you STILL have to remove or turn over the sod in the area where you are going to build your bed. Knowing that may push you in the berm direction, or may make you abandon the idea of raised beds all together. If you decide to till and plant in existing soil, make sure you get a soil test to determine what your nutrients your soil needs, whether you need to add amendments to balance the pH level, and determine from there if you need to till in compost or leaves or other organic matter to make your soil more friendly to plantings.
But if you can't stand the thought of tilling, amending soil or digging out sod, there's one more option. Lasagna gardening! There's a whole bunch of organic gardeners who don't believe in tilling or digging at all. The quick and dirty (heh!) version of no-till gardening is that you kill the grass by putting down thick layers of newspaper or cardboard, let it break down for a season, and build your bed on top of that. In the book "Lasagna Gardening", Patricial Lanza explaines the system she invented of building her raised bed and putting in alternating layers of different types of organic matter 2 feet high, and then putting the plants straight in them. If this sounds good to you, looks like you have to do some book shopping!
2.) Plant stuff (not too much, and follow the freaking directions on the label!)
What??? All this time and energy making the perfect damn organically specified raised bed, and then your advice is "don't plant too much"??? Look, you're the one who asked. I'm just saying that you might get carried away out of the gates and make things too complicated. If you're new to gardening, focus on a few standard and somewhat easy crops to manage so you concentrate on getting it right the first time. Here are my thoughts for zone 6 plantings:
Spring: Peas can go in the ground mid-March even through snow and ice, and are usually pretty easy to manage. Plus you get to start your long gardening career as trellis builder, which is its own drama. Buy lettuce seedlings from your local nursery and the ground will usually be ready for them in April. Lots of lettuces can be cut an inch above the soil line, and what's left in the ground will regrow for more harvesting until it gets too hot.
Summer: Pick your two or three favorite veggies to eat, and plant them. Tomatoes, peppers and maybe a sqush plant will give you plenty to keep up with. Again, just buy the plants instead of worrying about starting tomatoes and peppers from seed the first year. It's easier, and there are tons of options at all the garden stores. This is the time when spacing really becomes important, especially if you're going to do some of the monsters like zucchini and cucumber plants. Read the package and do what it says .... right Dina???
Fall: If you don't totally hate gardening by now, put in some spinach and radish seeds. They grow quickly and don't mind the cold. Plus you get extra bragging rights at your dinner party when you're serving garden fresh salad in October.
3.) Do everything right, then figure out what you did wrong
You follow all the advice, and find yourself screwed anyway - disease, drought, bugs, rodents, hungry neighbors, whatever. Something is bound to go awry, and when it does, don't worry. It's just the beginning of your own organic gardening adventures! Here are my favorite resources to help you on your way....
Web:
Organic Gardening Magazine's website
Garden Web Forums - join and post questions
Radio Show Host Mike McGrath on WHYY
Magazines:
Organic Gardening Magazine, of course!
Books: (Clearly I am a fan of J.I. Rodale and all his works. However, I'm just about to pick up some stuff by Jerry Baker to see what he's about. Seems like a bit of a kook, but then again, most gardeners are.)
Rodale's Chemical-Free Yard & Garden
Encyclopedia of Organic Gardening
Insect, Disease & Weed ID Guide
Lasagna Gardening
You Bet Your Tomatoes!
So in summary (you were begging for that phrase, I know), my recommendation for the first time gardener is to build a raised bed, fill it with good soil, follow spacing guidelines for your crops, and get your Google fingers ready. Oh yeah, and have fun! Really, it's fun. And besides, how bad can it be? Not worse than my garden, I assure you.
Since I started my blog, I have gotten thousands of emails (one) from all over the country (Trenton) from first-time or wannabe gardeners. They all (same one) ask a question similar to the one I got from szg in Central New Jersey that asked "Laura, why are you like the smartest person ever? And how come that punk Mike McGrath has a radio show and you don't? And what advice would you give someone starting an organic garden from scratch?"
Well, szg, as ever, I am humbled by the overwhelming response to my blog, and would be nowhere without my adoring fans. I appreciate you taking the time to offer your insightful and completely accurate commentary. But now, on with the show, if you will.
1.) Build a raised bed
The basic tenant of organic gardening is that you garden from the soil up, not from the plant down. So if you start with loose, well-drained soil soil rich in organic matter and nutrients, your plants will be less prone to disease and pests. Now, maybe you can walk outside, stick a shovel in the ground, and conveniently have this perfect ideal soil. That could happen, and if it did, well, you suck. And congratulations. But if it doesn't (or even if it does), consider the merits of the raised bed.
Raised beds warm up faster in spring (allowing for earlier planting), are easier to plant in and weed, and allow proper drainage. If you're building the bed and adding fresh soil instead of tilling the soil you have, you will be avoiding much of the pre-existing perennial weeds, not to mention sticks, rocks, hunks of clay, broken bottles, unidentifiable plastic things and other disturbing items you find when digging too deep in New Jersey. My neighbor found an entire car buried in his yard. Seriously.
So now I told you why to build a raised bed, but I failed to mention what it is. A raised bed is simply an extra 12 to 24 inches of dirt raised above the regular soil line in your yard. Ideally it is 4 feet wide and reachable from all sides so that you never have to step in your wonderful loose soil in order to plant or harvest. It can be as long as you have room for, or have the energy to build. It can have sides, or just be a raised berm. The sides should be some rot-resistant non-chemical-laden material, like bricks, rocks, cinder blocks, cedar, redwood, composite wood-like stuff, etc. No railroad ties allowed, and organic types are still hesitant about treated wood, even though the new treatment method doesn't use arsenic. You can even google "buy raised beds" and find kits that include the corner brackets and the material. For example...
2 tier plastic raised bed from gardener's supply catalog
raised bed with cedar from eartheasy shop
composite raised bed from eartheasy shop
raised bed corner brackets - you supply the wood
I realize none of this material is cheap, and all of the fancy products in the world aren't going to save you from the fact that you STILL have to remove or turn over the sod in the area where you are going to build your bed. Knowing that may push you in the berm direction, or may make you abandon the idea of raised beds all together. If you decide to till and plant in existing soil, make sure you get a soil test to determine what your nutrients your soil needs, whether you need to add amendments to balance the pH level, and determine from there if you need to till in compost or leaves or other organic matter to make your soil more friendly to plantings.
But if you can't stand the thought of tilling, amending soil or digging out sod, there's one more option. Lasagna gardening! There's a whole bunch of organic gardeners who don't believe in tilling or digging at all. The quick and dirty (heh!) version of no-till gardening is that you kill the grass by putting down thick layers of newspaper or cardboard, let it break down for a season, and build your bed on top of that. In the book "Lasagna Gardening", Patricial Lanza explaines the system she invented of building her raised bed and putting in alternating layers of different types of organic matter 2 feet high, and then putting the plants straight in them. If this sounds good to you, looks like you have to do some book shopping!
2.) Plant stuff (not too much, and follow the freaking directions on the label!)
What??? All this time and energy making the perfect damn organically specified raised bed, and then your advice is "don't plant too much"??? Look, you're the one who asked. I'm just saying that you might get carried away out of the gates and make things too complicated. If you're new to gardening, focus on a few standard and somewhat easy crops to manage so you concentrate on getting it right the first time. Here are my thoughts for zone 6 plantings:
Spring: Peas can go in the ground mid-March even through snow and ice, and are usually pretty easy to manage. Plus you get to start your long gardening career as trellis builder, which is its own drama. Buy lettuce seedlings from your local nursery and the ground will usually be ready for them in April. Lots of lettuces can be cut an inch above the soil line, and what's left in the ground will regrow for more harvesting until it gets too hot.
Summer: Pick your two or three favorite veggies to eat, and plant them. Tomatoes, peppers and maybe a sqush plant will give you plenty to keep up with. Again, just buy the plants instead of worrying about starting tomatoes and peppers from seed the first year. It's easier, and there are tons of options at all the garden stores. This is the time when spacing really becomes important, especially if you're going to do some of the monsters like zucchini and cucumber plants. Read the package and do what it says .... right Dina???
Fall: If you don't totally hate gardening by now, put in some spinach and radish seeds. They grow quickly and don't mind the cold. Plus you get extra bragging rights at your dinner party when you're serving garden fresh salad in October.
3.) Do everything right, then figure out what you did wrong
You follow all the advice, and find yourself screwed anyway - disease, drought, bugs, rodents, hungry neighbors, whatever. Something is bound to go awry, and when it does, don't worry. It's just the beginning of your own organic gardening adventures! Here are my favorite resources to help you on your way....
Web:
Organic Gardening Magazine's website
Garden Web Forums - join and post questions
Radio Show Host Mike McGrath on WHYY
Magazines:
Organic Gardening Magazine, of course!
Books: (Clearly I am a fan of J.I. Rodale and all his works. However, I'm just about to pick up some stuff by Jerry Baker to see what he's about. Seems like a bit of a kook, but then again, most gardeners are.)
Rodale's Chemical-Free Yard & Garden
Encyclopedia of Organic Gardening
Insect, Disease & Weed ID Guide
Lasagna Gardening
You Bet Your Tomatoes!
So in summary (you were begging for that phrase, I know), my recommendation for the first time gardener is to build a raised bed, fill it with good soil, follow spacing guidelines for your crops, and get your Google fingers ready. Oh yeah, and have fun! Really, it's fun. And besides, how bad can it be? Not worse than my garden, I assure you.
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