Cast of Characters: Ma'am, Sir & Family

Last week I trudged out into the garden after a week's vacation at the shore, and grimly surveyed the damaged. The trifecta of disease, poor gardening skills, and a rock-star style drunken orgy thrown by our resident groundhog had combined in a perfect storm of disaster. My trellises were groaning under the weight of enormous San Marzano sauce tomatoes which were still producing, even though a wilt was yellowing and killing the leaves. My adorable stand of corn was overtaken by some sort of bizarre Chinese long bean that I had planted, and in a display reminiscent of the recent Olympics, the beans proceeded to climb the corn, knock it over, and then march relentlessly and perfectly in-sync towards the sunflowers. But the worst was easily the result of Frank the groundhog and his buddies. Taking advantage of vacationing humans, the zucchini and cucumber plants were feasted on down to the stem by the raucous bunch, leaving only miniature smashed guitars and tour bus skid marks in their wake. As I approached, the last of the slightly drunk and partially clothed groundhogettes started home on the long waddle of shame.

As I added up the amount of hours and physical strength that would be needed to bust the place back into shape, my spirits sank. Where to begin? The overgrown dying tomatoes? The (clearlyy underage yet creepily strong) Chinese bean vines? In my depression I decided to take the path of least resistance and weed the flower bed that didn't really need much weeding, just to feel like I accomplished something. I stuck my hand into the tangle of nasturtiums, nearly crapped myself in shock & fear, and then gave a whoop of joy. Ma'am was back!Are you scared yet? Don't be. Ma'am is a garden orb spider, not dangerous to humans but a real super ass-kicker when it comes to annoying bugs that cause trouble in the garden. Ma'am is appropriately named, because I feel that if she was ever given the power of speech, I would probably actually crap my pants, and then say "Yes ma'am!!!" to whatever directive I was given. I mean, I know she's not dangerous, but still. YIKES! Not appearing in this picture is her husband/boyfriend/partner, the aptly named Sir. He is about a third her size, takes up residence in his own mini web somewhere on the outskirts of hers and is generally good for only one thing. Clearly, I need to finish this paragraph with a zingy one liner about married life, but, as is often the case with other marital activities, I'm simply too tired to bother. You finish it. And happy fall gardening to you!