Due to the fact that I will be referring to the same folks repeatedly, I think I should take a moment in do some introductions...
Tom, devoted husband - also, executive chef of our house, manual laborer, and professional eye roller. For example, "Tommy, I just got done reading my free copy of 'Hobby Farms' magazine - let's get chickens!!!" (insert dramatic eye roll). Tom has various sub-personalities, which I have also taken upon myself to name. Tom/Francois is the self-taught French chef who once asked me, in complete seriousness, "Do you need anything brined?" Tom/Hurricane Bob exists mainly during the fall, when he enjoys speaking to me at length about the relative wind speeds and trajectories of various tropical storms brewing in the south. And then of course, there's Tom/Ray Romano, which I think all husbands seem to channel at different points in time. When you find yourself having a fight that's straight out of a sitcom, it's time to blog. Why not? It worked for those freak shows for ten seasons.
Sophia, dear daughter - also, four year old, destroyer of flowers, confuses all raised beds with sand boxes. Sophia is my garden sidekick, in the sense that I drag her around in her wagon trying to weed, while she howls and gestures wildly to her swing until I give up and prepare myself to sing "Six Little Ducks" for the 4000th time. Since Sophia is a woman of few words but extremely expressive eyebrows, I will be translating her signs and dirty looks Sunny Baudelaire style, depending on the situation. Sophia's sign for "where?" often is better described as "just what the frig is going on here?" or "why must I persist in dealing with these complete morons?"
Brian, the bug guy - One of my best sources of news and information of all the goings on in the entomological world. Brian is our Ehrlich rep, and no, Ehrlich is not organic. Organic gardening? Yes. Organic management of wood eating critters invading my home? No can do, sister. That bug be GONE indeed. But Brian is a good soul who abides by the "good bug vs. bad bug" rule of organic gardening. And, no matter what weird shit is going on at my house, he makes me feel reassured that it's completely normal. Me: "Brian, yesterday my front door flew open and a parade of 200 stink bugs dressed as Mummers marched around my house playing 'oh dem golden slippers'. They scared the crap out of my cats." Brian: "Oh yeah, yeah, they're going around. Everybody's got 'em at this time of year. You should see some of the outfits though, quite spectacular. Not much you can do about it. I'd just get a lawn chair and a beer."
The Captain & Tennille, kitties - OK, so they're not humans. But as indoor cats they reside entirely in the world of humans, and have human personality traits (meaning they are as annoying as most human beings are), and in the battle of me vs. outside creatures invading my garden, they are generally on my side. But they don't eat stink bugs, which is unfortunate. At the very least, the cats could take away their godforsaken banjos.
Are these all the characters in my garden melodrama? Oh no. I haven't even gotten to the outside critters yet. There's Frank, Sisyphus, James Bond and his Bond girls, Ma'am & Sir, the Mancusos and many more to come. I'll post their histories as time allows.
For now, it's time to look outside at the unfinished/unstarted projects in my garden on this beautiful 68 degree Spring day, and think to myself "Hmmm, I'll get to that crap later. I need more coffee."
Happy garden procrastination to yous!
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The Big Bad Blog Beginning: Marketing Gone Awry
So awhile back, I was talking to my home business and web marketing diva. I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, "Big deal! Everybody has a home business and web marketing diva." Maybe so, but if you're not talking to Dina at http://www.wordfeeder.com/, then you've got the wrong gal.
Since I have the right gal, Dina said, "You should start a blog to help promote your website."
"Really? How come?"
She then said something along the lines of "Hoogety boogety search engine optimization foogety moogety page hierarchy loogety toot toot meta-tags and strategic links...." and many other extremely smart things. Please keep in mind Dina has never actually said "hoogety boogety" to me in any context. What she did do was give me a brief explanation of web marketing that made complete sense, but the wisdom of which I would completely mangle upon retelling. The relevant gist was as follows - a blog, when properly done, can be a great tool to drive traffic to my website.
I mulled this over for quite some time. Could I write clear and informative articles about the decorative painting business? Er, sure, I think. New techniques, preferred paint and brush brands, offers of free templates.....Ooh, but how bout the funny fellow painter ladies I see at my teacher's studio? Or the nutjobs who I meet at craft shows?
And then I started thinking about other humorous stuff, like the time my mother swiped HER mother's mother's day gift from me and refused to give it back. And the stories from my grandfather about the 8-10 different ways he's accidentally electrocuted himself throughout the years, and yet still stands. Or about the time I spent half a day convinced that drunk people snuck into my yard during the night and dug up 48 newly planted impatiens (until I realized a deer ate them).
That's about the point that I realized that I actually want a blog to show the world how hilarious I am, and if I can throw some web marketing in there, so be it. I can make it work. For example, the two funniest things I do are 1.) garden organically 2.) allow people to speak to me. Since I paint flowers and creatures and landscapes, does it count as web marketing if I blog about growing flowers in a landscape while shouting obscenities at creatures? You betcha! And when my mother does something bizarre, should that go in there too? Absolutely. Ah, yes. Yet another blog is born.
So in the end, I will market my website the way I organic garden - seek out the advice of experts, change it all around, and find myself continually shocked when my system doesn't work. Effective? No. Funny? Oh yes indeed! Keep reading.....
Since I have the right gal, Dina said, "You should start a blog to help promote your website."
"Really? How come?"
She then said something along the lines of "Hoogety boogety search engine optimization foogety moogety page hierarchy loogety toot toot meta-tags and strategic links...." and many other extremely smart things. Please keep in mind Dina has never actually said "hoogety boogety" to me in any context. What she did do was give me a brief explanation of web marketing that made complete sense, but the wisdom of which I would completely mangle upon retelling. The relevant gist was as follows - a blog, when properly done, can be a great tool to drive traffic to my website.
I mulled this over for quite some time. Could I write clear and informative articles about the decorative painting business? Er, sure, I think. New techniques, preferred paint and brush brands, offers of free templates.....Ooh, but how bout the funny fellow painter ladies I see at my teacher's studio? Or the nutjobs who I meet at craft shows?
And then I started thinking about other humorous stuff, like the time my mother swiped HER mother's mother's day gift from me and refused to give it back. And the stories from my grandfather about the 8-10 different ways he's accidentally electrocuted himself throughout the years, and yet still stands. Or about the time I spent half a day convinced that drunk people snuck into my yard during the night and dug up 48 newly planted impatiens (until I realized a deer ate them).
That's about the point that I realized that I actually want a blog to show the world how hilarious I am, and if I can throw some web marketing in there, so be it. I can make it work. For example, the two funniest things I do are 1.) garden organically 2.) allow people to speak to me. Since I paint flowers and creatures and landscapes, does it count as web marketing if I blog about growing flowers in a landscape while shouting obscenities at creatures? You betcha! And when my mother does something bizarre, should that go in there too? Absolutely. Ah, yes. Yet another blog is born.
So in the end, I will market my website the way I organic garden - seek out the advice of experts, change it all around, and find myself continually shocked when my system doesn't work. Effective? No. Funny? Oh yes indeed! Keep reading.....
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5 comments:
Hoogety boogety! you freakin crack me up. I highly doubt if I will learn anything about organic gardening from reading this, but I am very excited that you have indeed started THE funniest blog about organic gardening ever.
This blog is a crock. I asked you two year ago to write. Now that I am tired (and retired) from this hackery, you decide to come out of the cave?
When are we going to hear about Ludwig with Bavarian glass blower who visits when Tom and Sophia are out?
Hey, this is awesome! I can definitely use all the gardening tips I can get. Just last week I was pondering whether my herbs will ever be as prolific as yours. I don't think they will be! But I do love visiting your Paul Bunyan garden. :)
Do you know what's funny? R said to me once that Tom reminds him of Ray Romano sometimes! I'm inclined to agree. :)
THANKS for the kind mention on your blog!! I'll take all the promotion I can get.
Keep it up, sistah. I sense a legend in the making.
Andy here (Diane's address)... Inspiring! I have started an organic garden in my 2 ft x 4 ft front yard. It is actually 6 flowers of unknown origin (synthetic?) and some wood chips (definitely organic). But, in the spirit of your blog, it cracks me up! One question: are "stink bugs" real or is this another one of Tom's personalities?
I have nothing of substance yet to add, and am only attempting a "test post." Your strange world of blogging is scary and disorienting.
Question: Who is Ludwig? I had been wondering where all those champagne flutes in the spare bedroom had come from, and why your website so curiously focuses on glass.
I have to go... my crazy family is bursting through the front door, there is a Noreaster brewing in the Atlantic, my pan-seared duck breast is dangerously passing medium-rare, and I must move a pile of composted topsoil from one place to another. Au Revoir.
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