Show Me the Money! (and other abandoned topics)

"If you've been following my illustrious career as a blogger/artist/gardener/funnywoman, then you've likely noticed some recurring themes. 1.) I'm lazy. 2.) I'm cheap. 3.) I have a lot of hobbies, all of which I aim to do with as little effort or expense as possible. "






That's the intro to a never written story about how to shop for and plant deep discount end-of-season perennials. It was never finished because, having purchased about 60 plants for maybe $100 bucks, I spent two weeks maniacally digging holes and throwing plants into the ground as if being chased by a pack of wild dogs. By the time I was done, it was too cold to plant anything else, and I bought all the remaining inventory, so my advice to you would have been useless.





Here's another good one that never got finished entitled "Cast of Characters: Sisyphus"





"Tom and I are busy people - your standard busy married couple that can go for long periods of time, caught up in the "to-do" list of daily life, without having any sort of constructive conversation. What follows is the story of one couple's communication issues, and one cosmically challenged little red squirrel."



What's the point of sharing what I've started but not finished? First, to prove that I'm always Thinking about writing, I'm just not necessarily doing it. And second, whether I am writing or thinking, I am always terribly funny - at least to me.



So to conclude 2008, my first year of garden blogging, I'll leave you with a list of other articles not likely to get written in the next two weeks:



Why Throwing a Rotting Pumpkin in the Woods is the Same as Gardening
Frank vs. Laura: The Final Score
If You're Eating at My House, Don't Ask "What's in the Salad?": An Edible Weed Primer
The Tale of the Tufted Titmouse, and His Dirty Bird Friends


And so goes 2008. But make sure you return in 2009 because man, do I have some stunning realizations for you ... starting right in January with seed catalog shopping time!

Happy Holidays!

Difficult Conversations

I can't conclude 2008 without poking a tiny bit more fun of Joyce. Out of fairness though, I have to admit that we're quite a bit alike. So here you go - a little bit of even steven if you will....


Joyce's Tale... Why Mothers and Urban Vernacular Don't Mix: An Email Exchange
The story begins after a painful email discussion regarding which, if any, bread products should accompany Thanksgiving dinner. For the sake of every one's sanity, those particular emails are not included.

Joyce: "I could tell yesterday that you were getting annoyed with me over the bread/rolls thing but I kept it up just to tease you!"

Me: "see? you're just as annoying as dad. but at least you know you're being annoying. as a status on my facebook page, i wrote "laura is going to kill her mother", but too many people commented in your defense. well, really it was 50/50. then i later wrote that i changed my mind due to the pro-joyce comments, and my friend jim from college wrote "she rocked in our creative writing course. totally rocked. mad props." you have a lot of fans."

Joyce: "Wow!!! I'm impressed that one of your friends would remember me from a class in the first place let alone even remember the props I used. Apparently, they impressed him more than me."

Me: "'mad props' means something like 'kudos'. i doubt you showed up to that class in your mink coat and groucho marx glasses, or juggling pins, or anything like that. pretty funny though. i laughed for about five minutes after your email."

Joyce: "No--really I did use props. I think he might be referring to my speech about twins bec. I brought your sisters to class with me."

Laura's Tale ... Married People Talking
I am a multi-tasker from hell, and I tend to believe that I am rather good at it. Yesterday I put Sophia to bed, realized I hadn't eaten in 9 hours, and set about making myself a plate of some lovely stew that my wonderful husband made. But it was going on 9, and my mind started rattling on to everything I had to do before bed ... finish cleaning the kitchen ... start that new glass order ... call jen ... isn't pick-up artist 2 on tonight? gotta watch then call jen after .... what's in this stuff i'm eating anyway?


Me, to Tom, while slamming stuff in and out of the microwave: "Is there meat in this pork?"

Tom, confused: "Wha-?"

Me, using my annoyed outside voice: "Is there MEAT in this PORK??"

Tom, hesitantly sarcastic: "Uh .... yes ... there's meat in the pork."

Me, extremely offended: "Well you don't have to say it all snotty like that, it's a legitimate question!"

Tom, exasperated and close to giving it all up for good: "I don't know what you MEAN."

Me, making it known I am speaking to someone of inferior intellect: "What I MEAN, is that when you cooked the MEAT, did you leave the .... uh .... are there bones in this pork?"

Perhaps I am not the multi-tasker I claim to be, and should attempt to concentrate on one thing at a time. Or I can just become a vegetarian so I no longer have to be concerned about what's in the pork.