In order to be a reputable and information oriented gardening blog, I've decided that I need to do a "question of the week" segment - or question of the month, as is more likely the case. This is the part where I field legitimate questions from my loyal readers so as to spread my wit and wisdom far and wide. The only catch will be that the answer to said question is likely to be filled with a few random facts surrounded by fantasy, exaggeration and outright lies. Sound good? Come on, let's play!
In a previous comment, Andy writes:
"Are stink bugs real, or is this another one of Tom's personalities?"
Excellent question, Andy. Stink bugs are in fact real, and do indeed stink. According to Wikipedia, stink bugs are also called shield bugs, and are in the Hemiptera order of the Heteroptera suborder. According to me, they are strange prehistoric looking insects with ridged backs and inferior reasoning abilities. They are in the phyla of bugs that feel the overwhelming need to slam themselves repeatedly into light fixtures, not quite realizing they can never go into the light, as they are all instructed to do by the bug version of the creepy "Poltergeist" lady. If that's not annoying enough, they fly as though piloted by drunken five year olds, and as a result, I've caught a stink bug to the head on more than one occasion. The good news is that they are so loud when they fly, that you can usually hear them coming and duck.
However, stink bugs in general seem to prefer plodding around morosely to flying. I once described a parade of Mummer style stink bugs marching around my house, but really, the Mummers are way too "up" for a stink bug. I imagine the internal monologue of a stink bug sounds a lot like Eeyore, with some depressed mutterings about not being able to get into the light ... again.
Oh yeah, and the stink part. They emit some gross type of defense-mechanism stink when faced with aggravation, which is likely why my idiot cats won't bother them - that and the fact that they move so slowly, they are of no real interest to chase down. Not that the cats COULD chase anything down - Captain seems to be reaching Jabba the Hut capacity and will soon need to be hand fed from his permanent throne in Sophia's beanbag chair, and Tennille is much too busy following me around howling for treats and trying to trip me.
Although Tom does have many personalities, some of them as of yet unnamed, I am not embarrassed to admit that stink bug is all me. Although I do not fly drunk or slam my head into my desk lamp, I highly recommend to all the married ladies reading this post some defense-mechanism stink factor to avoid, uh, nightly extracurricular activities. A weekend of gardening and no showers works every time!
YOU are welcome.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
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The Big Bad Blog Beginning: Marketing Gone Awry
So awhile back, I was talking to my home business and web marketing diva. I know what you're thinking right now. You're thinking, "Big deal! Everybody has a home business and web marketing diva." Maybe so, but if you're not talking to Dina at http://www.wordfeeder.com/, then you've got the wrong gal.
Since I have the right gal, Dina said, "You should start a blog to help promote your website."
"Really? How come?"
She then said something along the lines of "Hoogety boogety search engine optimization foogety moogety page hierarchy loogety toot toot meta-tags and strategic links...." and many other extremely smart things. Please keep in mind Dina has never actually said "hoogety boogety" to me in any context. What she did do was give me a brief explanation of web marketing that made complete sense, but the wisdom of which I would completely mangle upon retelling. The relevant gist was as follows - a blog, when properly done, can be a great tool to drive traffic to my website.
I mulled this over for quite some time. Could I write clear and informative articles about the decorative painting business? Er, sure, I think. New techniques, preferred paint and brush brands, offers of free templates.....Ooh, but how bout the funny fellow painter ladies I see at my teacher's studio? Or the nutjobs who I meet at craft shows?
And then I started thinking about other humorous stuff, like the time my mother swiped HER mother's mother's day gift from me and refused to give it back. And the stories from my grandfather about the 8-10 different ways he's accidentally electrocuted himself throughout the years, and yet still stands. Or about the time I spent half a day convinced that drunk people snuck into my yard during the night and dug up 48 newly planted impatiens (until I realized a deer ate them).
That's about the point that I realized that I actually want a blog to show the world how hilarious I am, and if I can throw some web marketing in there, so be it. I can make it work. For example, the two funniest things I do are 1.) garden organically 2.) allow people to speak to me. Since I paint flowers and creatures and landscapes, does it count as web marketing if I blog about growing flowers in a landscape while shouting obscenities at creatures? You betcha! And when my mother does something bizarre, should that go in there too? Absolutely. Ah, yes. Yet another blog is born.
So in the end, I will market my website the way I organic garden - seek out the advice of experts, change it all around, and find myself continually shocked when my system doesn't work. Effective? No. Funny? Oh yes indeed! Keep reading.....
Since I have the right gal, Dina said, "You should start a blog to help promote your website."
"Really? How come?"
She then said something along the lines of "Hoogety boogety search engine optimization foogety moogety page hierarchy loogety toot toot meta-tags and strategic links...." and many other extremely smart things. Please keep in mind Dina has never actually said "hoogety boogety" to me in any context. What she did do was give me a brief explanation of web marketing that made complete sense, but the wisdom of which I would completely mangle upon retelling. The relevant gist was as follows - a blog, when properly done, can be a great tool to drive traffic to my website.
I mulled this over for quite some time. Could I write clear and informative articles about the decorative painting business? Er, sure, I think. New techniques, preferred paint and brush brands, offers of free templates.....Ooh, but how bout the funny fellow painter ladies I see at my teacher's studio? Or the nutjobs who I meet at craft shows?
And then I started thinking about other humorous stuff, like the time my mother swiped HER mother's mother's day gift from me and refused to give it back. And the stories from my grandfather about the 8-10 different ways he's accidentally electrocuted himself throughout the years, and yet still stands. Or about the time I spent half a day convinced that drunk people snuck into my yard during the night and dug up 48 newly planted impatiens (until I realized a deer ate them).
That's about the point that I realized that I actually want a blog to show the world how hilarious I am, and if I can throw some web marketing in there, so be it. I can make it work. For example, the two funniest things I do are 1.) garden organically 2.) allow people to speak to me. Since I paint flowers and creatures and landscapes, does it count as web marketing if I blog about growing flowers in a landscape while shouting obscenities at creatures? You betcha! And when my mother does something bizarre, should that go in there too? Absolutely. Ah, yes. Yet another blog is born.
So in the end, I will market my website the way I organic garden - seek out the advice of experts, change it all around, and find myself continually shocked when my system doesn't work. Effective? No. Funny? Oh yes indeed! Keep reading.....
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3 comments:
Here's a real question for you oh guru of gardening blogs.
We planted two peonies, not next to each other (they are separated by a brick patio). The first year they did well, until their flowers were done and then their leaves had a white powder on them. We tried everything to get the powder off, but it kept coming back.
Both plants appeared dead by the end of the season. But, since we are not the most diligent of gardeners (or gardners, if that's your preference) we left them in the ground. The following spring, low and behold, new sprouts emerged from the ground and a brand new peony plant was born. It went through the same cycle of growth, flowering, and apparent death.
This cycle has now repeated itself for the third season in a row. What is happening to our peonies after their flowers fall off??? They are so damn ugly for most of the summer, can we do anything?
Help us, Laura, help us.
You mean, you're asking me a real question? One that doesn't involve making fun of my husband??? Uh oh. Or, "UH-OH!!!" as Sophia would say, usually while watching Teletubbies.
Ok, so here goes. I'm going to give you my theory, and then I'm going to look it up to determine if I'm right, because I'll feel guilty if I make up stuff and you listen. I used to have peonies too, and your story rings a bell. It sounds like you have a powdery mildew problem which is (like most humans) ugly, but not totally dangerous. I THINK peonies are naturally prone to this, but it also could be your growing conditions. Some causes of powdery mildew are not enough sun, not enough air circulation and bad drainage. I believe there's a recipe involving milk, oddly enough, that is used to prevent this, and there are also some products on the market.
However, this is all theory, so now I consult with my gardening bible, Rodale's Encyclopedia of Organic Gardening.
(Insert long delay while I read and review the entry. Add some smooth jazz to pass the time if need be.)
Drat! Lots about peonies, but not about pests or diseases. I now refer to my stockpile of back issues of Organic Gardneing magazine, all arranged by season. I know, I'm a dork.
(Insert more smooth jazz. Or maybe even Pat Boone doing "Crazy Train")
A-ha! OG says that peonies are affected by botrytis blight, also called gray mold. Even though it hasn't killed your plants, it is likely hanging around in last years dead peony leaves and such. I'd clean all old leaves around the base of the plant, fertilize with some compost and try some of these anti-mold sprays as preventative measures. You can also pick off and throw out affected leaves as they appear, although you might wind up with no plant left if that's all you do. So read this stuff:
Baking soda recipes
http://attra.ncat.org/attra-pub/bakingsoda.html
Milk recipe
http://www.pioneerthinking.com/tv-mildew.html
"Soap Shield" from Gardens Alive! (you have to use the proper inflection when you say the name of the company ... "gardens ALIVE!!!!")
http://www.gardensalive.com/product.asp?pn=8066&ss=SOAP%20SHIELD
The ad for this in my Gardens ALIVE!!!! catalog specifically mentions peonies, so hopefully it will work. I actually have this product and can make you up a batch, so you don't have to buy it. Talk about freaking SERVICE, I tell ya. Also, it will amuse me to send Tom to his important job wearing a suit and carrying a plastic bottle full of anti-mold product.
Thank you for your time and helpful links.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming -- "Why my husband only smells like a stinkbug."
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